Brain Food
by Chibi-Mako
Summary: It's a disaster! A phenomenon! It's BRAIN FOOD! Featuring new and old characters and the ever-famous POWERS THAT BE, BRAIN FOOD will rot your mind from start to finish! But never fear, for there shall be cheesy plots, love triangles, cucumbers, and vodka
1. This is your fault, you know

[The Royal Palace, Tortall]

"Ouch! Oh, gods, my EYE! "

"Who is that? Where the hell am I? I was in a room of flowers- pink flowers- and now I'm HERE? "

"Who cares? WHO ARE YOU?!? "

"I should ask the same question! "

"It's dark in here... I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT!!! "

"Did I need to know that? "

"Yes. "

"This dialogue is getting confusing, I can tell. Can we get names now? "

THE POWERS THAT BE: sigh Fine, fine... You there!

"Which one? "

TPTB: Errr... One of you shall be Lana. Lana of Rell.

"That's me, I guess, as I happen to be female. "

The door opened. A young woman in the uniform of the palace maids stood framed in the doorway. "What in th' gods' names are ye doin' in there? " she demanded. 

"Holy crap! I mean - Heavens! " the newly named Lana of Rell jumped back from the astonished looking man next to her.

"My lady! It may not be my place to speak, but Ð that was rather unlady-like language! "

The maid raised an eyebrow. "P'rhaps ye should head along to yer rooms? "

Lana blushed and nodded.

"Um, where should I go? " the man asked. "I don't think I've been named yet. "

TPTB: ARGH!! Can't you people do anything by yourselves?!? Fine, then! You shall be. . . erm, Prince Char of Rinn.

"Char? " He looked up in disgust. "No one names the lead male _Char_. And where is Rinn, anyway? "

TPTB: Between Tyra and Tortall! I had to give you a country, so I made one up; now stop complaining!

The maid drew the sign against evil.

Lana glanced up. "Um, Powers That Be? I think you're frightening the maid. "

TPTB: Humans... So easily intimidated. They hear a few voices and assume the world is coming to an end.

The maid ran.

Lana looked at Char, who shrugged, and glared up at the ceiling, which seemed to emanate a feeling of guilt.

"This is your fault, you know. "

*~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~*

[The Dancing Dove, Corus]

"But Da, there was a VOICE comin' from the bloody ceiling! LikeÐ like one of th' gods was there. Even YE wouldn't steal from under the nose of a god! "

Marek Swiftknife sighed. "Getting those plans was important, Kester. Now you'll have to sneak BACK in. It might not work if you get caught. What if the Provost finds you? "

The girl grinned. "Then I'll run. "

"Kessie... What would your mother say? "

"She wouldn't- she'd just kill ye. "

Marek thought that over. "True. "

"Well, she's a'ready not happy wi' me thieving here. Thinks ye're a bad influence. "

"At least I'M not a treacherous, backstabbing- " He stopped, seeing Anci in the doorway.

"No, no, no. " She scowled at him. "What am I, Marek? "

He glared and kept silent.

"Stop it. I hate when ye fight. " Kester snapped.

"Kester Euana Swiftknife, you will NOT get in the middle of this!" they said in unison.

"And why not? "

"Because it doesn't concern you! " Marek replied.

"It most certainly does. "

"Kester," Anci snapped, "You will stop this Rogue nonsense this instant. The next time I catch you over here- "

"Mum, I'm EIGHTEEN! I can decide what to do with my life! " She stomped out of the room.

Anci glared at Marek. "This is your fault, you know. "


	2. Babysitting Knightmare, Part 1

The Powers That Be: You realize I AM The Powers That Be. I can insert terrible things into the storyline!!

"Okay, yeah, sure. Bring it on! I can do ANYTHING!" Lana cried, waving her fist and accidentally smacking Char in the face.

The Powers That Be: Fine, you asked for it! I hope you like Royalty that drools.

"What, besides Char?" Lana asked, looking blank. (Char was grumbling in the background and was not noticed by any.) The presence of The Powers That Be faded and suddenly Lana felt that all too familiar sense of impending doom. That sense like when you just KNOW relatives are coming and you KNOW there will be hugging and contact of the bodies... That kind of sense. 

"My Lord Char! Thank the gods, finally someone I know!" The noise came from a beautiful [note: Rose is choking on her words] woman who Lana knew well. Curtsying low, she regarded the woman, Queen Thayet, from beneath her lashes. Lana had heard the Queen was lovely, but up close it was made more evident. Even if she was old, she still possessed an unearthly beauty. 

"Would you please do me a favor, Lord Char? The children have begun to scream and I must attend a Riders meeting and I can't seem to find a single maid or anyone to watch them!" The queen babbled, apparently unaware of Lana's presence. 

Char, looking uncomfortable, nodded and bowed. "I am at your service, My lady Queen." he mumbled. 

"Great! Now here are some instructions to follow while taking care of the babies..." Queen Thayet said and, in her haste, forgetting her manners, grabbed Char's hand and ran with him down the corridor. The Queen stopped speaking just long enough to usher them into a room that was eerily silent.

"...and absolutely NO sweets, NOTHING that has sugar in it, if they get even a little sugar in them, well, you'll be lucky if you come out alive!" Thayet smiled sweetly at them and promptly turned and ran down the corridor. 

Lana shuffled her feet, "Hey Char?" she said, turning to look inside the room,

"Yes, Lana?" Char replied, sounding numb,

"I have the feeling that we've gotten ourselves into a horrifyingly inescapable situation!" Lana whispered. Char nodded and kept on staring in shock at the room. Inside there were ten cribs, each holding a sleeping baby. 

"Mithros, Minos, and Shakith! Is the Queen some kind of animal?" Lana exclaimed, and then clapped a hand over her mouth.

Char smiled nervously, "If anything she'd be a rabbit. This must mean she and the King are - " He was cut short by Lana's murderous glare. Char smiled sheepishly, and then turned to walk towards the babies. However, his foot collided with a table that had previously been invisible,

"OUCH! HOLY $@%#! [IRW: Let's keep this PG-13, now!]" He screamed. 

Lana looked horrified, and the feeling of doom settled upon them again. The room was silent for a moment, and then they heard it - fitful rustling coming from the babies' cribs. Lana looked on in fear as each and every baby opened his/her mouth and let out an ear-shattering wail. 

Somewhere in Taiwan The Powers That Be smile and start to laugh hysterically.

Lana glared hard at Char, who looked bewildered. 

"You know when we get out of this I will have my revenge." She said. 

Char grimaced. "That's what I was afraid of."

A/N: Wow! You've made it this far! Congratulations!


	3. Babysitting knightmare, Part 2

"Oh, gods! It spit up on the carpet! CHAR! Get over here and magic this away!"

Lana held a baby in each arm; Char had one in each arm, one in his lap, and was rocking the cradle of another with his feet.

"Are you mad? I can't get up!" he cried, resisting the urge to wave his arms.

Lana sighed and tried not to scream. The babies had been crying for five hours and the Queen had not yet returned from her meeting.

"What are you sighing about now, woman?" Char snapped, not realizing that his use of the term "woman" would cost him dearly.

Lana stalked over, cracking her knuckles.

Char attempted a smile but ended up flinching. (Lana was a very scary person.)

"I said, um, what they sighing about, the women, um, downstairs..."

"We'll see who's sighing and who's _screaming in pain_ when we get out of here." Lana said, returning to her charges.

Char looked down at his feet and mumbled, "At least she didn't kill me..."

"Yes, I haven't killed you- YET."

Char paled.

[A Few Hours Later]

"Char, my good fellow, what say you to a spiffing round of poker? I know a lovely place we could go and sit."

"Oh, heavens no! I just couldn't leave the babies! They're my pride and joy!"

"You know, girls don't really sound like that."

"Well, the ones I know d- AUGFH! What was that for?"

"For being an enormous butt."

"I can only assume you're not speaking of my actual derriere."

"No, I'm speaking of your personality."

"That was rather offensive. What kind of Lady are you?"

"The kind that beats the shutchamouth out of Lords who aren't considerate to the Ladies around them." Lana cracked her knuckles again.

"Shutchamouth?" Char looked confused. "Never mind- Hey! The devil babies have stopped screaming!"

"Praise the Mother!"

"Praise Mithros!"

"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" The babies began screaming again.

Lana swore offensively for several minutes and sighed, her shoulders slumping. "Char- I think we're nearing the end. We'll never get out of here alive."

He nodded.

"This is not my fault, you know."

"Are you implying that it's mine?"

"The child or the fault?"

"The fault!"

"Yes."


	4. Babysitting Knightmare, Part 3

When the gong that signaled time ran eight times Lana knew things were getting ridiculous. The Queen had yet to return, Char was sleeping, and there was no food to be seen. The absurdity of the situation both appalled and infuriated her. How had she allowed herself to be drawn in? Letting out a string of words most commonly heard from the mouths of soldiers, Lana stood and surveyed the room. It was still a mess.

Char started. "Wha-? You realize how long we've been here? I think the Queen tricked us!"

"At least the monster children are asleep." Lana was about to make another comment when the door opened and in stepped the Queen, dressed not as a Rider but as a woman who had just returned from a party with her husband. She had indeed tricked the unfortunate Nobles.

"Thank you so much! You will be rewarded!" The Queen gushed, tottering over to the babies.

Lana had an idea; she would get revenge upon the Queen. Slipping to where the bottles were kept, she poured a substantial amount of sugar into each one with a grin.

"It was a pleasure, Lady Queen. If you will pardon us, we will be going now." Char said with a bow. The two quickly exited. "You do realize that those babies will give her an even harder time than they gave us?" Char asked.

Lana smiled wickedly. "That's what I was hoping for."

[Somewhere in Taiwan The Powers That Be smirked and held out a hand to the Graveyard Hag.]

"Curse you! I always win!" She exclaimed, handing over a pile of diamonds.

"Well, it was about time you lost. Honestly, you'd think a Goddess could stand to lose once every millennium or so, but noooooo!" TPTB said, eying his glittery prize.

"Out of curiosity, what do you need the sparklies for?" The Hag asked, looking interested.

"Keep watching my little game and you shall see."


	5. Bewilderment, Treachery, and SuperCliché

"Customers, Mum!" Kes pointed at the richly dressed pair who had entered the inn and taken a seat at one of the cleaner tables. She went to chop up more celery, did a double-take, froze, and hurried into the kitchen.

Anci rolled her eyes and approached them. "Can I help you? "

Lana squinted at the tall, willowy blonde woman before her. _She looks familiar, a bit._ Out loud, she said, "Yes... Um, Char, why are we here again? "

His ears flushed. "I dunno. Scene change, maybe?"

Anci sighed. "Are you going to order?"

"Sure. Lemonade for the Lady and rum? For me?" he asked uncertainly.

Anci nodded and slipped into the kitchen. "A lemonade and a rum, Kessie. Why'd you hide?"

"Ran into them while scouting the palace. She flushed and handed the tankards to her mother.

Char looked around him at the dingy inn. "Not to be rude, but where are we, exactly?"

Lana peered around and shrugged. "That sign says we're at the Dancing Doe."

Char squinted at it. "That's Dove, not Doe. The v's been faded out."

Anci set the tankards on the battered table and scowled. "I'll get around t' painting it, eventually. 'Though maybe... KES!!!" She yelled.

Kester's dark head poked out of the kitchen door.

"Will you fix the sign this afternoon?"

"O' course."

Lana recognized the girl. "Hey, Char! That's the girl we saw, the maid. I should tell her The Powers That Be is very sorry for scaring her... Even if he isn't."

Char shrugged and sipped his rum, making a face. He turned to Anci. "Could you water this down, maybe? I'm not used t it being so...strong."

Kes retrieved the mug. "I'll do it."

Lana snickered. "He's used to watered-down drinks; his mommy hasn't let him have real wine yet."

Char flushed again. "I'd like to see _you_ guzzle hard liquor." [IRW: smacks Char BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!]

Lana scowled and look at Anci. "I'm sorry; may I have a rum instead?"

Anci fetched one with a shrug.

Lana grabbed the mug, and, as a shocked Char watched on, chugged the whole thing down. Finishing off, she wiped her mouth with one arm and loudly ordered another mug. Unfortunately for Char, it wouldn't be her last; Lana had a habit of getting incredibly drunk when allowed to have hard liquor.

Kes stared. "There's a sight ye don't see ev'ry day."

"No," Marek agreed, entering with a basket of potatoes.

After an hour of singing rude sailor songs, Lana had began to come down from her alcohol induced high. She weakly grasped a half full mug and mumbled about mice in a cheese farm. Seeing his chance, Char tried to pry the mug from her hands, but ended up getting smacked. Lana muttered some more and passed out.

Char felt lucky she didn't start vomiting- THAT would have been too much.

The plethora of thieves in the smoky inn had watched in shock as the noblewoman drank herself into a stupor.

"'S'not good fer ye, ye know." Ercole had murmured to Kes.

Char sighed and picked Lana up, thanking the Gods that her love of alcohol did not extend to food. Bidding farewell to the astonished pub-goers, he walked out into the dark night. "Good gods, Lady Lana, you didn't have to get completely drunk. You're lucky none of those people know who you are, or your reputation would be down the gutter." He murmured as he wove his way through the city streets, not noticing the shadow following them. [IRW: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No! It's... CLICHE MAN!!!]

Lana sighed and squirmed a bit. "Dancing Doe..." She mumbled. 

Char sighed and rolled his eyes. "It's Dancing Dove." He re-adjusted her in his grasp.

He was nearing the Temple district when he felt it- a faint prickling that told him something wasn't right. It wasn't the fact that Lana was beginning to drool, or that she had kneed him in her sleep- twice- in sensitive areas. No, it was a feeling of impending doom. He walked faster but the prickling didn't leave him.

He entered the Temple District- the safe part of the city- but still he felt uneasy. Finally he stopped and turned around. "If you're going to follow me why not at least give me your name? Then I can know what to put on the restraining order! For the sake of sportsmanship, come out. As you can see, I'm holding an unconscious girl and if you were to jump me I would be helpless."

A dark figure stepped out of the surrounding trees. As he stepped into the light, Char gasped. "You!"

"Me." Ercole sneered back at him. "I told your father I would make him pay what he owed me. Now I've come to collect." He pulled out a dagger. "He usurped my throne, you know. I was to be king, but no, darling Tybalt had to overthrow me. But he is old. Once you're dead, there will be no one left to rule but ME!!!!"

Char shook his head and set Lana to the side, out of harm. "What makes you think that my father took your throne?" he asked

Ercole grinning sarcastically, "Well, maybe the fact that he's sittin' on it RIGHT NOW!"

Char smirked. "Perhaps there is a reason you were not granted the throne, UNCLE."

Ercole took a step back, but then straightened. "You seem to know much for such a pretty little mamma's boy." He sneered again. 

Char shrugged. "Say what you want, but it won't change the circumstances. My father will rule until his death, and then I will rule. You are unfit to be King." 

This only infuriated the other man. "_I_ am unfit to be king!?! Who is it that is allowing women to take seats in his council? Surely not I, for I am not on the throne, but your father, allowing WOMEN, creatures of flight and fancy, to take part in decision making! What sort of logic is that?" 

Char shook his head. "Your ideals are so rigid I feel sorry for you. You'll never get anywhere with them."

In the bushes, Lana stirred.

Footsteps reached the men's ears. Kes barreled up the street, nearly tripping over Lana. "What," she wheezed, "in th' gods' names gasp is gasp. goin' on here?' She stared at the men. "Ercole? Why've ye got your knife out? And why's th' Lady in th' bushes?"

Char raised an eyebrow at Ercole, who scowled at him.

"I'll be back little pretty man, and I'll make sure I get you when you least expect it!" he scowled, fading into the bushes.

Char stood, facing a bewildered Kes.

Lana woke and looked around. "You- what're we all doing in the bushes?" she asked, and fell promptly back asleep.

Kes gaped at Char. "What _was_ that?" She wrapped a hand around her knife, just in case Ercole was still near. _Da won't be happy. He _trusted_ Ercole._


	6. THE POWERS THAT BE

Somewhere in Taiwan, The Powers That Be sat in a reclining chair, sipping some clear stuff he had found in the fridge. He didn't know why, but the world was suddenly becoming funny and tilty. He knew the clear liquid wasn't water; it smelled a little strange. He went back to the refrigerator for some more and found the bottle. Picking it up, and summoning all the consciousness he had left, he read the label.

"Hmmm, so that's what it is." He wandered back to his chair. The bottle of miscellaneous clear fluid had been identified- the label read "Absolut Vodka." 

[note: AV does not belong to us, (tho' Rose wishes it did), and we claim no rights to it and blah blah, you know the drill. Nor do we promote the drinking of liquor in any way, shape, or form- Stay Safe; Don't Drink]

After passing out on the couch and sleeping for an hour, TPTB woke to see that he had a body! Lo and behold, his usually formless self had been blessed with a vessel in which to live for a time. He wanted to see whether it was any good, but found, to his horror, that HE HAD NO ARMS! Using his "spirit eyes", he looked at himself and spotted a green warty sort of thing sitting on a counter; it was he.

TPTB: now, I'm normally not very picky, but green with WARTS? Ya gotta be kiddin' me, you could have done better!

Just then, a calloused, stubby-fingered hand scooped up the cucumber and brought it over to a plastic container.

TPTB: Hey! What're you doing with my body?

The owner of the hand didn't hear him.

Somewhere in Taiwan, a person had just pureed TPTB's body.

"Rose!" Tanja (the owner of the hand) called over the blaring of _Spice World_. "I need the eggs for the tuna salad!"

"Eh! EGGS! We have none, and it's raining, and I think someone just shot the Quikee Mart owner, so, erm, we're gonna have to go without the eggs." Rose replied from the recliner in the living room.

"Damn." Tanja muttered. She paused. "Rose...? Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"I think the blender is screaming..."

Rose walked in, tucking her blue-streaked hair behind her ears. She looked over at the screaming blender and then at Tanja. "Yep, you're right, but blenders normally aren't evil. Hmmm... Wanna perform an exorcism?' she asked with a grin.

"It sounds like it's in pain." Tanja rapped on the lid and called, "Everything all right in there?"

TPTB stopped screaming to answer. 

TPTB: WOULD I BE SCREAMING IF IT WERE? GET ME OUT OF HERE YOU OVERGROWN FLESH-BAGS!

Outside the blender, Rose shrugged. "Maybe it's broken... Or maybe," She switched off the lights and pulled a flashlight under her chin, "It's haaauuunted!" She giggled. "Or maybe it's just that the cucumber was partially frozen. Here, put the setting on liquefy." She pressed the button.

The machine shrieked and fell silent.

Rose shivered. "Do you feel death in here?"

Tanja stared at her companion and switched the blender off. Opening the lid, she asked, "Are you still alive in there?"

TPTB looked on from the spirit world, glaring at the two

TPTB: I will get you...I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

Rose shrugged. "You were just imagining things, Tanja!" She walked back to her recliner.

Tanja shivered. "I hope so."


	7. Discussions

Kes headed back towards the ÔDove, musing over what she'd witnessed. Her eyes swept the shadows and she walked in the well-lit center of the road, hand still clutching her dagger. She pushed her hair impatiently out of her blue eyes and entered the rickety old inn. Despite the late hour, the common room was still packed with thieves and other riffraff, but Kester could not find her father in the crush of people. She sank down into a splintery chair in one of the room's shadowy corners and buried her face in her hands, still tallying up what she knew. 

Something didn't fit. _Ercole threatens Char with a knife and says something about revenge... Says he'll catch him unawares, so they must know each other, but- no! Da says Ercole's been here, in Corus, since he was my age! Char looks like he's my age, so he wouldn't have been alive before Ercole came here... How does he know him?!? And why? Why would he turn now, and threaten someone Da said to leave alone? It doesn't fit!_ She banged her fist on the table in frustration, stood, and marched resolutely up the narrow stairway. Knocking on her father's door, she called, "It's me, Da; can I come in?"

"Sure." He called.

She opened the door, shut it firmly behind her, and entered the well-lit, sparsely furnished workroom of her father.

Marek frowned. "What's wrong? You look puzzled."

Kester sighed and told her father everything. His face grew pale as she spoke.

"So I don't get it. " She concluded. "I feel like I'm missin' somethin' big, or important- somethin' I need to know t' understand this."

"I don't understand..." Marek murmured. "Why would Ercole do that? Are you sure it was him?"

"Am I yer daughter or not?" She snapped. "O' course I'm sure!"

It was Marek's turn to sigh. "I know, Kes. I'm grasping at straws. It can't be true!"

"Well, it is."

He stood. "Do you know where Ercole is now?"

She shook her head. "He ran off down Spinner's Alley when I came."

Marek groaned. "Then I'll have to look for him. He met his daughter's eyes. "Kessie? Thank for telling me this."

She nodded. "Good luck. I should get home, before Mum worries."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I'm home!" She called, entering the tenement where she and her mother lived.

"Good. Now help me fold the laundry." Anci called. 

Kes complied. Lifting a skirt from the wicker basket on the floor, she asked casually, "Mum? What do you know about Ercole?"

Anci's eye's, as blue as her daughter's, rested on her sharply. "Why?"

"He's been acting all strange and saying things that confuse me."

Anci raised one eyebrow. "Well... I know he drifted here from Rinn when he was about your age. He got mixed up in the Rogue and has been here ever since. That help?"

Kester grinned wryly. "Not really, but thanks."

"I don't really know anything else. Ask your father; they're better friends. Now," she said, placing a blouse in the shelf in the closet. "It's late. To bed."

"Yes, Mother Dearest." Kes said with an impish smile. "See you in the morning."

Note from IRW: Rose insists that this is a cliffie. I say she's mad, but whatever sinks your submarine, right?


End file.
